It happens to most of us. The feeling of “meh.” We can’t find our flow and feel kind of foggy, burnt out, and are very much running on autopilot. We’re motivated, but not enough to do more than doom scroll. Certainly not enough to make any big changes in life. We waste time, we stop exercising (or make new excuses to avoid starting). We’re irritated, bored, and we may start to isolate (but mostly because we don’t have the energy to get dressed in anything other than sweats!) We lose focus and our motivation decreases. For those of us in recovery, it’s that time when the newness of sobriety wears off. We haven’t lost the desire to stay sober, but those bursts of joy seem to have all but disappeared.
Adam Grant describes this “meh” state of being as languishing. He explains that is lurks below the surface of depression. His work exploded on the mental health scene during the pandemic, but it isn’t only when the world shuts down that we languish. It actually is quite common.
In a world of toxic positivity, we’re told to count our blessings and have gratitude for the little things in life. For those of us in recovery, we know that the life we’re living is indisputably better than addiction. So shouldn’t we all just look on the bright side?
The research says no.
Flow.
Grant and his team found that “the best predictor of well-being was not optimism. It was flow. Flow is that feeling of being in the zone, coined by the psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. It’s that state of total absorption in an activity.” When you lose yourself in the hustle of a video game, find that hours have passed while you were reading or writing, or even the Netflix binge that keeps you saying “just one more episode…”
Mario Kart. Grant gleefully explains that he pulled himself out of languishing by playing Mario Kart with his kids and extended family during the height of the pandemic.
While racing tiny go-karts around the animated screen, he found his “Mario Kart theory of peak flow. It has three conditions: mastery, mindfulness and mattering.” Three conditions that, if met, will pull you out of that “meh” feeling.
Mastery.
Mastery. Essentially the idea of mastery is that of progress. Did you guess the Wordle in only 3 lines? Read a chapter of your favorite book without checking your phone? Did you make a new recipe and it turned out just right? It doesn’t have to be something big and don’t look to yesterday to measure your sense of mastery. How are you doing right now? Are you accomplishing something in the moment? Mastery is about the small wins. And for flow to occur, mastery must also involve mindfulness.
Mindfulness.
Mindfulness. Don’t stop reading. I don’t mean the woo-woo meditation-type of mindfulness that has saturated the market with new ways that make us feel like we’re doing it wrong. But simply focusing your attention on one single task.
Grant looks at mindfulness through its opposite, multitasking, and the idea of time confetti. “There’s evidence that on average, people are checking emails 74 times a day, switching tasks every 10 minutes, and that creates what’s been called time confetti, where we take what could be meaningful moments of our lives and we shred them into increasingly tiny, useless pieces. Time confetti is an enemy of both energy and of excellence. If we want to find flow, we need better boundaries.” The boundaries we set allow us the gift of uninterrupted time.
But what about the third condition of flow?
Mattering.
Mattering. How do we make what we do matter? Especially those of us who have not yet landed our dream job and are making ends meet waiting tables or stocking shelves. I promise, I understand.
When I first started my journey in sobriety, I worked as a supervisor at our local Sheetz (for those of you who don’t now Sheetz, a) you’re missing out, and b) it’s a gas station/restaurant/convenience store that stays open 24/7.) I’d earned a graduate degree and worked as a therapist, but for many reasons, supervising made-to-order sandwiches was exactly where I needed to be at that time. While I wasn’t writing the world’s next best seller or teaching therapeutic techniques to families, what I did mattered. I made people happy. I learned the names of regular customers and provided top-notch service with a smile. By simply making someone’s day a little brighter, I was able to literally make a difference in the world.
So today, while I’m feeling stuck, concerned that “meh” vibe is creeping back into my life, I force myself to find my flow. I pull myself out of languishing with yoga. This blog, writing for you, sends me immediately into a flow state. Cheering on my kids at rugby or softball steals hours of time and before I know it, I’m back in the zone. I put away my phone, focus on the game, and know that my being present matters more than anything to me and what’s more, them. Surprisingly, I’ve even found a good deep clean of my little home can put me into flow!
So, while I say I feel stuck, I also know I have an answer. I can avoid languishing while I wait for the right time to make those bigger life decisions. For my recovery friends, the legal consequences of our mistakes will eventually end, and we will be free to go out and make the most of our new lives. Until then, I won’t tell you to count your blessings, but I will say – find your flow state and enjoy the life you’ve reclaimed.