Boundaries have always been problematic for me. I unintentionally cross them, don’t know how to establish them, and often have a delayed response when the flimsy few I’ve set are crossed. After a deep dive into my past, I realized that my need to be liked has a lot to do with the fear and dread I associate with boundaries. It’s less of a thirst for popularity, and more of an overwhelming desire to keep the peace.
Confrontation literally makes me sick. My body gets that buzzy energy, the frantic kind that leaves my face flushed and palms sweaty. I lose the ability to produce words. At least meaningful words. I’m sure I utter “uh huh” and “hmm” plenty, but when I feel disrespected, I shrink. I crawl inside of myself and wait for the storm to pass.
In fact, I do better apologizing when I hurt someone else than I do speaking up to let another person know they’ve hurt me. This probably has a lot to do with the practice I’ve had apologizing. The year or so I spent on a cross country tour of owning my shit and trying to make it right prepared me for the times I must apologize authentically. I certainly don’t try to offend others, but I will say, I’m pretty much an expert at saying “I’m sorry” when I do.
Find your fear of boundaries.
If I dig deeper, I see that my boundary avoidance stems from childhood. I caused plenty of problems as a teenager, but my role in our family was “mediator.” I would listen to my mom worry about my sister, complain about my dad, make plans to appease my stepdad. The off I’d trot, to listen again as each family member made their case against my mom. It was exhausting, but it made me feel important. I knew what to say (and what to shut down) to keep some semblance of peace.
Why am I telling you this? What does my inability to set boundaries have to do with you? Well, my dear sober and brave friends, I’ll venture to guess, more than you’d like to admit.
Recovery, shame, and self-concept.
It’s been my reality in recovery that many of us struggle with boundaries. Especially my sweet sensitive souls who feel everything with the intensity of an adolescent experiencing so many firsts. When we first get clean, we see the wreckage of the past with such clarity that it overwhelms the senses. From that soul piercing instance comes shame. The world doesn’t help elevate our self-concept, but that’s a story for another day. We often take it too far (because that’s just how we roll) and we become not only guilty of our misdeeds but ashamed of who we are. We conflate our mistakes with our identity.
The ultimate task is to unwind the story of who you are from the dirty details of the past. That isn’t to say we get to pretend like the damage wasn’t done. We can’t act like those things that bring us shame never happened or we’ll miss the growth directly tied to having lived through them. What we can do, what I urge you to do, is own those embarrassing moments and leave them where they lay. Each morning, you move further away from who you were. Each night, you’re that much closer to who you want to be. Let that be enough.
Putting boundaries to work.
This week I was tested in my ability to hold secure the boundaries I’ve set. The details don’t particularly matter but the moment it happened I knew. My body started buzzing and my brain told me to hide. But instead of shrinking away and letting a resentment grow, I took a step back to organize my thoughts. But I didn’t waste time and articulated how hurt I was. I chose my words carefully so as to not make the situation worse. Calmly, I explained that what happened was unacceptable. It didn’t feel great, but I will admit I feel better now than I would have if nothing had been said at all. The relief I now feel made the words all worth it.
And that’s just the thing…we won’t always feel great. Sometimes we have to sit with our discomfort and put ourselves first. (My people pleasers out there know how hard this can be!) Sometimes we’ll recognize our own fault in the situation but be careful not to take on all the blame. In my recent boundary building lesson, I realized that I could have had a conversation in the weeks preceding the main event that may have prevented the line being crossed. But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Most importantly, now that I’ve addressed the situation, I can start to mend the frayed edges and stitch the holes of this ripped seam.
So how do we assert ourselves?
How do we hold the lines we’ve drawn when our bodies are screaming “retreat”? First, I suggest you meet yourself. It sounds a little woo woo, but it doesn’t have to be. Meditate on or even write a list of the areas in your life that are off limits to others. My kids are my number one priority to protect, and it made sense to start with them. I refuse to allow anyone’s negativity to influence them which means I protect their dad and stepmom too. My recovery is a close second (if I’m not healthy, nothing else stands a chance). I will not put myself in uncomfortable situations because it seems socially acceptable – and honestly, I love being home so leaving the party early is a treat!
I’ve learned to say “no” – as a complete sentence – and am becoming more comfortable with ending the discussion there. My reasons are my own and I am not obligated to justify myself to anyone. Nothing interferes with my self-care routine. Yoga has changed my life and I choose to make time for it every single day. I’ve even managed to set sleep boundaries, though when it comes to breaking those, I am my own worst enemy.
For me, the most difficult line to hold has to do with gossip. I’ve never been one to share others’ secrets, but I have a hard time not listening to the latest details when someone says, “have you heard?” Awareness helps. I know I feel icky after playing even a passive role in this type of conversation. All I can do is continue to work on shutting it down before it starts (and stick to politics as my personal favorite soap opera).
My second suggestion – read Melissa Urban’s Book of Boundaries.
Take notes. It’s witty, and an easy read. She breaks down why boundaries are important and explains what to do (with scripts you can steal) when someone crosses the line.
I also recommend checking out this collection on How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships (positivepsychology.com). They provide examples of healthy boundaries and helpful worksheets to gather your thoughts.
Setting boundaries takes more work than we might imagine. But once the lines have been established, we feel more whole. What’s more, others know our limits and the consequences of crossing them. You might feel selfish, but think of how selfish it is to expect other people to read your mind? If we don’t verbalize what we consider unacceptable, we’re robbing those we love of the easy road to respecting us. Have that uncomfortable conversation now and hopefully avoid some future fights. And of course, reach out if you want to talk about deciding how to start. I’m always here to help (except during yoga hour!)
Much peace and love, Michelle