How my kids saved my life and why our relationship is better than ever.
I hurt a lot of people in active addiction. Intention doesn’t matter (of course I never meant to cause pain or worry) and at this point in recovery, amends have all been made. But parenting in recovery takes more than amends. Of all souls out there that my drinking damaged, I worry most about my kids. And on this Mother’s Day, I know we’re going to be ok.
My daughter, AJ, is 12 and LJ, my son, is 13. They are at that wonderful age where they won’t hesitate to inform me that I’m embarrassing them. (I learned this abruptly on our recent vacation when I was shushed for talking too loudly in the airport.) They have my curly hair and their own opinions. They often care more about what their friends think than anything else, but that lets me know they’re finding their way. The weekends they spend with me are always filled with laughter and our nightly FaceTime lasts hours (or until one of us falls asleep).
AJ surrounds herself with friends, knows all the gossip and prides herself in her ability to keep a secret. She doesn’t rattle easily and takes stress in stride. I am amazed at her ability to set boundaries (a skill I have not yet perfected) and show how deeply she cares about those closest to her. Last week her best friend had to put the family dog down and AJ took the time to handwrite the sweetest letter to let her know she had her back. She sends me recovery TikTok’s and isn’t too cool to ask for my advice, even when she already has things figured out.
LJ is also adored by everyone he meets, but is a little less inclined to care about the middle school drama du jour. He is sensitive and thoughtful, though he’d be embarrassed if I told him so. Curious and insightful, he loves to debate and learn about why people do what they do. He’s wise beyond his 13 years and his witty comebacks let me know he can think on his feet. Empathy runs deep in LJ, he works to keep others comfortable, and as long as no one’s listening, he’ll share his feelings with an openness most adults have yet to master.
My kids share the experience of my recovery.
They stick together, stand up for one another, and it’s evident that they love each other – even when they argue. Sometimes I think they’re connected because of their closeness in age or because they’re the “step kids” at their dad’s, but then I realize it’s deeper than that. They have a shared trauma in their past and it’s because of me. In early sobriety this realization would have immediately pushed me into tears. It would have initiated the paralyzing guilt/shame cycle I’ve worked so hard to leave in the past. But now I recognize that it belongs just there… in the past.
No mother is without fault.
None of us parent perfectly. What we, as people in recovery, add to that are identifiable mistakes. It was evident when we messed up and if we weren’t certain, the police blotter offered clarification.
These mistakes open the door to dig deeper. I now know that I took stimulants to accomplish more, in an attempt to be the perfect mom while working on my master’s degree, teaching, and trying to keep a perfect house. I felt like I was always falling behind, that I didn’t have time to feel tired. We were behind on bills. There were snacks to make and diapers to change but I wanted more than to just accomplish it all. I wanted it all to be perfect. Digging even deeper, I realize that a heavy insecurity about who I was as a woman, let alone a mother and wife, weighed on me. I tried to ignore it. This is why I drank. To numb the part of me I refused to get to know.
Parenting in recovery and how we make it work.
My kids saved my life. They motivated me to get (and stay) sober. Instead of looking better in their eyes, I wanted to be better for them. I wanted to be a mom they would be proud of. Instead of making everything appear perfect for their sake, I promise to give them all of me. The authentic, sometimes tired, often introverted version of me. The me that loves them unconditionally because I know myself.
I’ve done the work. And I keep doing it every single day to show them you never stop growing. I give them my honest story, with failures and unanswered questions, because they deserve the truth. They deserve to be prepared for a life that doesn’t always provide a soft landing. I give them my truth because I am their mom. Instead of fearing we won’t look perfect to others, I make sure we hold space for each other’s imperfections.
My truth makes space for my kids to grow.
I’ve been honest about my struggles with substances so that my kids don’t have to. Instead of hiding that part of my life to protect them, I’ve shown them what can happen when substances hijack your brain. This doesn’t remove all chances of them going through their own addiction issues when they grow up. Rather it creates the space in our relationship for them to come to me before that happens. Honesty, and the confirmation that we accept and love each other’s authentic selves, give them the touchstone they need for when they feel lost. For when they feel overwhelmed. They know that when they feel shaky, they can come to me for support and reassurance, for advice or to simply listen.
I work on myself to show my daughter how to be strong and my son to be tender. To show them they have the internal resources to handle rejection and disappointment. That they can release resentments and ask for forgiveness. By letting go of what no longer serves me, I show them that there is beauty in growth. Inevitable change can be alluring, and we take care of ourselves and each other when deciding which way to go forward. I am in awe of how they have forgiven me and hold that in my heart with gratitude.
Tips on parenting in recovery:
- Be flexible. It’s often difficult to just be content in recovery, especially when you have kids. Laundry needs folded, activities need scheduled around meetings or therapy, and what about dinner? Forget the matching outfits and order a pizza. Skip the event no one really wants to attend and just talk. Your kids missed you when you were in addiction. It’s ok to let things go and spend your time focused on loving them. Check out my post on self-resourcing for how I hold it together for my kids. Self-resourcing: how to hold it together. (sobbrave.com)
- Be honest. Our urge is to protect our kids from pain. Sometimes the best way to keep them safe is by sharing your truth with them. Let them see you as the vulnerable human you are. They will learn more from seeing you get back up than if you pretend like you never fall down.
- Be patient. We’re sober now, can life hurry up and get back to normal? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it will never return to the same normal. And that’s ok! Enjoy each other while you rebuild your life. The joy is in the journey.
- Be accepting. Know that the past is over. You are in recovery, and everyone is healing. Accept each day for what it is, with all the ups and downs. With acceptance, you can be present in each moment, deal with stress and problems as they arise, and then let them.
- Set boundaries. Some things are off limits for your kids. They may be too young to understand some of the painful experiences in your past. Know what works for your family. Some things are off limits for you. Do not push yourself by taking on more than you can handle.
Reach out for help. You’re not alone. The hard part is over, and you’ve reclaimed your life. Love your kids and let yourself see that they likely never stopped loving you. Check out How Do You Deal with the Stress of Parenting in Recovery? | HealthyPlace for more tips on parenting in recovery.
