I am proud of myself. This week I took a risk and shared my thoughts with others…as in, I presented what I know to be true in front of a full room of professionals. And let me say that again, I am proud of myself. It’s been a while since I last had the opportunity to take the stage (and just as long since anyone would want to see me up there), but it’s more than that. I had something to say. I used my Knowing to help others.
Research shows that a sense of belonging, feeling connected to others and secure enough to share in an experience, can have tremendous effects on our ability to learn. I explained what they are and how I encourage my students to feel seen, safe, and heard. This was me sharing my craft, explaining what works successfully in my adult education classroom and using research to explain the importance of connection.
Shame keeps us stuck.
Those of you in recovery will understand the paralyzing shame that prevents us from sharing ourselves with the world. Especially early on this journey. The feeling that reminds us of the harm we’ve caused just as we think we’ve figured out the root of our pain. The self-deprecating voice that says from inside out, you’re nothing. Reminders of the opportunities wasted, and years spent hiding from that reality, overwhelmed me and I stayed silent. I felt as though I didn’t deserve to share my opinion.
I am close to 3 years sober so one would think my confidence would have also recovered. Not quite the case. I did a lot of damage to my self-concept in my addiction. I destroyed the vision I once held of myself, but slowly, I’m working on that. I’m healing. So, if I have not yet entirely restored the idea of who I am in front of the world, if I still second guess why anyone would want to listen to me, how did I muster up the courage to speak publicly?
I met myself.
I did the work. Instead of running as far and fast away from the past, I’ve let it catch up to me. I’ve sat with myself in the discomfort of shame. I felt every hot flush of embarrassment turn my face waxy-red admitting I was wrong. I had a problem and was out of control. I admitted that I lied. That I was selfish. I hurt those I loved the most. And then I washed myself in relief knowing I told the truth.
There is no high like being true to yourself. It doesn’t come on rapidly, but the euphoria is long lasting and a constant I can turn to when I feel unsteady. By allowing myself to see that my addictive voice had hijacked my ability to think rationally, I don’t excuse the wrong I’ve done. I learn from it. I made amends to those I’ve hurt because it healed me. I’ve taken responsibility for what I did wrong, and by doing so, I can reclaim all that I’ve done right. I can be proud of the woman I am and let those moments of questioning fade.
Through this work, I’ve learned that the only constant in our lives is change. Our feelings change. The world around us changes. Nothing is permanent, even discomfort. Healing is recognizing where we were, and intentionally stepping towards that which makes us feel whole. Recognizing that despite the mistakes we’ve made in the past, we have value.
I am proud of myself.
I am no longer the unworried, confident young woman who craves the spotlight, nor am I the withdrawn alcoholic shrinking in the corner. I am content. I am proud of my accomplishments, know what I know, and perhaps more importantly, I realize I still have room to grow. And today, I want that for you. Try something new. Trust your voice. Share what you know to be true, without fear of sounding shaky or insecure. You’ve experienced enough to trust your Knowing and even if it doesn’t land perfectly, you be proud you tried. Vulnerability is brave and so are you.
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One response to “Learning to be proud.”
Another well written hard hitting one. Loved it! Keep it up I love reading your blogs so inspiring and inspirational. You are helping so many even though they don’t know it. ♥️