Trust is a struggle for me. Both trusting others and having faith in myself. Addiction all but destroyed my self-confidence and faith in most of humanity. In recovery, I broke through heavily cemented shame and guilt. I dug myself out from under piles of regret. Through the process, I realized that (generally) sober people can be trusted. But most importantly, I realized that I could trust myself.
Recovery is a highly individualized process. What works for me, may not work for you. The way we find what works for us is through exploration. So, we need to know what’s out there. Yoga has been vital to my success – in recovery, getting and staying sober. And in life, healing old wounds, learning strategies for self-regulation, and finding purpose. It’s become a critical component of living a balanced and meaningful life in which challenge is welcome and growth is the overarching goal.
The particular challenge I want to focus on is trust. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been hurt, or let down by someone you hoped had your best interest in mind. Perhaps people have disappointed you. What you thought was true turned out to be self-interested stories told to mislead you. Maybe your heart broke, maybe someone used you. No matter how your trust in others shattered, it likely had a negative impact of how you understand your own voice. The confidence you place in your ability to make decisions or read others’ intentions.
Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about others, their motivations or behaviors. But what we can work to remedy is the trust we have in ourselves. Through speaking truth, we can shift how we see ourselves. We can change how we communicate our needs and who we choose to fulfill them.
Trust through telling the truth.
When I am honest about my expectations, clear and direct with what I need, I trust myself. I give myself the space to connect with others and myself without judging. After all, it’s the judgment that causes problems. So instead, I simply observe myself and the situation. I put forward my need or what I have to offer. I trust that I have done the work enough to know that my need is authentic and coming from a place of good intentions.
Truth in what we say.
For example, if I say, “What’s wrong with me, I can’t do XYZ?” I am judging myself as incapable and bad (which is not true). More so, I am leaving little room for change. When we use speech that expresses judgment, we limit ourselves and others. We put ourselves and the thing that we are trying to do in a pile labeled “BAD.” We lose track of the fact that we are not bad (because “bad” is simply an interpretation that arises within us) and we simply have some work to do.
I have said before, whether spoken silently or out loud, words matter. If instead I observe myself in the same situation and say, “I am having trouble with XYZ right now,” I remove the judgment and reclaim my power over the situation. I am making an observation. Not a statement about my worth as a person. Further, I am not establishing the permanence of this difficult thing. Rather, I create the space and freedom needed to change, learn, or grow either now or in the future.
Truth in what we ask.
This practice, called Satya in yoga, refers not only to observations of the self, but also to requests we make of others. How we make what we need known matters. It is our responsibility to be clear about what we need and want from others, just as it is on us to be direct and honest about what we can and cannot offer. I think of relationships. How we make ourselves out to be more (or different) than we are, imprudently thinking we can continue the facade or break it to our significant other once they’re all in. How we often expect those we care about to know what we want, to read our minds, without us clearly stating what we expect, need or want. I think of how easily we can avoid fights with the practice of Satya.
Imagine it’s your birthday and this year, instead of a party, you want a more intimate celebration. Perhaps a nice dinner out and your significant other. As the day approaches, you don’t directly state this but drop some hints about restaurants and how much you enjoy quiet nights with just you two. He/she knows you, right? There’s no way they will get this wrong.
The day of your partner picks you up to celebrate, smiling from ear to ear, happy to give you the lovely night he/she has planned. You pass all your favorite restaurants and eventually pull into their driveway. As you open the front door, your friends and family jump out and yell “surprise!” You fake a smile and try to enjoy the night as resentment grows inside. By the time everyone leaves, exasperated from the fake smiles and hurt, you end up screaming at your partner about how he/she never listens to you. But what did you actually say?
Satya also teaches us to speak clearly and directly about what we expect from others. For others to meet our needs, we must first clearly express them. When you finally tell your partner what you really wanted for your birthday, they sigh and say they would have preferred the same. They explain that they thought you wanted a surprise because every year past you’ve had a party. Mostly they were afraid of disappointing you. Honesty and clarity go hand in hand. When we articulate our needs, we give those around us the freedom to learn more about us. They become less afraid about getting things wrong.
Satya and trusting what serves us.
If our goal is live a more peaceful, balanced life, filled with meaningful connection and joy, why not be honest with what we need? Speaking half-truths made sense because we were lost in our own cloud of mistrust. We weren’t living in a way that made us proud and we told stories to protect ourselves. Lies and manipulation may have been part of addiction, but they no longer serve us.
If I can be honest with myself, refrain from judging my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I can do so with others. They deserve the same respect, to be talked to with the same thoughtful clarity I learn to offer myself. This is the foundation on which we lay boundaries and achieve the calm sense for which many of us (both in recovery and not) strive.
And that’s just it, isn’t it? We want to be better. To treat those we love with more mindfulness, more compassion and respect; we want to really know them. We want better for ourselves. Authentic interactions, stronger connections. More meaning and a clearer purpose. We want to be understood. The first step to creating an authentic life is to trust ourselves enough to tell the truth.
for You
Yoga as a path to Recovery
The practice of yoga helps me become a better version of myself. The Yoga Sutras provide thousands of years of wisdom. They “basically act as guidelines on how to live a meaningful and purposeful life. They serve as a prescription for moral and ethical conduct and self-discipline; they direct attention toward one’s health; and they help us to acknowledge the spiritual aspects of our nature.” Satya is one of the first steps on this path. If you are interested in learning more about the Yoga Sutras, please send as message saying “tell me more.”