I’m not part of the self-project cult, but yoga helped me recover… honestly, more than anything else. I started practicing yoga to make myself feel better. It’s a rather unimpressive story. I was sentenced to a considerable amount of time on house arrest for another DUI and found myself restless early in sobriety. Restless and quite out of shape. Part of my recovery program suggests that I live authentically but authentic does not mean unhealthy and overweight. I wanted to like my body, to feel something other than “ugh” when I looked in the mirror. Walking was out of the question, plus I did plenty of that since my feet were my primary mode of transportation, and I’m not a fan of running. For the first time as an adult, I didn’t immediately search for the quickest of fixes. Instead, I told myself to slow down and enjoy the process of change.
Namaste sober.
Yoga appealed to my natural flexibility, and I thought my past life as a cheerleader may help lessen the learning curve. YouTube has millions of at-home yoga videos, whole communities of people from whom to choose. The pandemic insisted that we learn to live virtually so my situation was not unlike that of millions of others; I just had to wear an ankle bracelet.
So I ordered an inexpensive yoga mat and decided on Yoga with Adriene. My first video was called “Yoga for when you feel dead inside;” I’ll let you take your own meaning from why that video caught my attention. Adriene was the perfect balance of real and aspirational. She was playful, laughing at herself when she misspoke and allowing the awkwardness of some poses to remain silly. She didn’t insist that I push my body any further than it comfortably would go, and her meditations contained the perfect amount of woo.
I never knew how good I could feel.
After the 20-minute video ended with savasana (a final resting pose I’ve learned to love), I was intrigued and decided to challenge myself and commit to one of Adriene’s 30-day yoga challenges. If you’re in recovery, you might understand the pride pulsing through my veins when I completed the 30 days without making a single excuse as to why I couldn’t show up on my mat. I hadn’t committed to anything other than selfish impulses and escaping life for years. Confidence crept back into me, slowly so as to not shock my system, but certainly I started to have faith in my ability to do the things I said I’d do.
Yoga is essentially a moving meditation, much more than a choreographed cardio workout, and I began to reap the benefits. My back hurt less and headaches were all but gone. My shoulders grew stronger, legs more toned, and my stomach even flattened a bit. I learned to focus on my breathing. Slow, intentional inhales matched by longer, purposeful exhales. My anxiety decreased, particularly when I realized how often I held my breath. But most importantly, I was becoming familiar with myself. Befriending my body. Rather than constantly fighting against what I had to work with, I learned to appreciate the things my body could do. I watched how-to videos and tutorials on alignment and learned an entirely new vocabulary.
Yoga helped me recover.
These new words helped me find new videos. Yin yoga for when I needed a slower, more restorative session of stretching and breathing. Baron Baptiste-style power yoga when I wanted to push my body and sweat. Ashtanga for the times I couldn’t decide and needed to stop the monkey mind. Once I started looking forward to yoga more than binging TV, I knew the change was real.
The ankle bracelet came off and the first thing I did was walk to our local yoga studio. I was immediately attracted to the vibe but even more, I started to love myself, especially after practicing. I felt powerful. Alive. I felt connected to the other people in each class and valued the wisdom our instructor shared. Literally every night I go to yoga, no matter how tired or tender, I walk away feeling better than when I arrived.
I wasn’t looking for a spiritual experience but eventually I found one.
In my addiction, I felt like I had to hide. I didn’t want to show the world who I had become so I isolated. Physically and mentally, I was barely surviving in all the senses of the word, and I didn’t care. Depression and anxiety made it impossible to do any more. At my worst, I remember thinking if I hold really still and don’t move from the couch, I won’t ruin anything today. So that’s what I did. My self-worth was non-existent, and my life telescoped down to how I would escape feeling.
Today, I hardly recognize that woman. I am full of life. My body moves with ease and my mind is quick but calm. I laugh loudly, have opinions, and have learned to love myself. I sleep each night knowing I did my best that day and wake up eager to try again. Recovery is more than staying sober. It’s about doing what you need to add meaning to life. To connect with something more. Rational Recovery helped me get sober by saying there was more to life than a struggle one day at a time…yoga is helping me find it.
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[…] Recognition Technique (AVRT). I started meditating and practicing yoga daily – read about How yoga helped me recover. (sobbrave.com). I feel more confident. My body is healthier than since I was 16! I am making progress […]