Going from “I’m f*cked” to “I’ll figure it out.”
How do we change our mindset? Some days are harder than others. Even when we feel like we have sobriety on lock. There are days that we second guess our strength. We replay every stupid thing we think we said and only notice the negative. Especially the days we show up vulnerable, taking the risk of speaking our truth and showing others where we hurt. As a self-admitted people pleaser, I know how hard it is to ask for help. Our throats swell shut, our minds say, “no one cares,” and we justify our pain by telling ourselves others have it worse. (This may be true, but suffering is not mutually exclusive. The pain suffered by others does not negate our own.) The fear of being too needy or weak, even the thought of not being enough, can be paralyzing.
The “I’m f*cked” feeling.
We deal with our pain often in ways that cause more suffering. We isolate. Pulling back from relationships only leads to deeper feelings of loneliness. But when we don’t know exactly what’s wrong or how to ask for help, when we can’t explain that “meh” feeling that overwhelms us the moment we open our eyes in the morning, having a deep conversation with another person feels impossible.
We drink or use drugs to numb the pain or feel less awkward, even to feel more alive. We alter our minds to be what we think is a better version of ourselves. The version we think others will like. Sometimes we use to silence the condemning voices in our heads. The voice that tells us our dreams are impossible and we’re not worthy of love or affirmation. We use or drink to solve the problem of emotional pain and our use ends up causing more suffering than we imagined we could handle.
Some of us get sucked into the drama of other people’s lives when we’re hurting. We offer to help with their kids, listen to their relationship problems, or even lend them money in an attempt to shut out how we’re feeling. We’d rather take on someone else’s pain than sit in our own. Others of us drown out our suffering with work, exercise, or less meaningful relationships in order to busy ourselves. We take on extra responsibilities and pack our days full from the time we wake up to the time we crash and appear to have it all together. If we’re busy, we don’t have time to realize how badly we feel.
The science says we can’t stand ourselves.
A study was conducted to explore how much we really hate being alone with our thoughts. Timothy Wilson, a social psychologist at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville and colleagues recruited hundreds of undergraduate student volunteers and community members to take part in “thinking periods.” Participants were given a choice: sit alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes or push a button which provided an uncomfortable electric shock. “67% of men and 25% of women chose to inflict it on themselves rather than just sit there quietly and think.”
It seems like we’ll do just about anything to avoid feeling our feelings. But with the current commercialization of self-care, we’ve all at least heard the importance of meditation. We know that we need to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. So why can’t we stand even 15 minutes alone? And more importantly, what can we do about feeling this way?
How to get to “I’ll figure it out.”
- Change your intake – The first secret is positive input only. The news is full of depressing information and fearful propaganda. We can only do so much to change the world and we can’t do any of it if we feel like shit. Get the facts from a reliable source and turn it off.
- Edit your social media – make it help you instead of letting it hurt you. Don’t follow the negativity. Stop comparing yourself to others – you don’t know what they are actually going through.
- Boost your mood in tiny increments – move your body. Change your brain chemistry with exercise. Make a promise to yourself every day. Keeping a promise to yourself will boost your mood.
- Do not tolerate negativity from yourself. Fight to stay positive. Feel what you need to feel and keep it moving. Redirect your thoughts to the positive.
- Pick a small goal – choose something you can control, something achievable. Learn something. YouTube University. Find something you’re interested in and sign up. Reaching small goals boosts confidence and empowers you to keep going.
Your mind is either working for you or against you. You have the power to reprogram your mind. You can identify what you want to change and through simple steps, change it! Are you struggling with overthinking and worry? Do you feel blah, like life lacks meaning and purpose? Are you actually ok, but want to level up to reach some goal? Not sure what the problem is, but know you can feel better?
Change your mindset to work for you.
Mindset is quite literally the way we see ourselves and the world. An optimistic mindset will, of course, make your days brighter. But what matters more is that not only will a negative mindset make the world bleaker; it will limit the actions you take. While we can’t change our situation overnight, we can change how we see it and open up possibilities that otherwise weren’t available. With the right attitude and consistent actions, we can change our lives. The first step is recognizing (and, if need be, changing) our mindset.
When you feel more hopeful, when you see yourself as worth the work, it inspires you. You take the risk, you ask for help, and you open up possibilities that you didn’t know you had. When you see yourself as worth it, you’ll try the things that make it happen. Thoughts inspire action and actions inspire change.
So, change your mind and realize your worth, then reach out for help. Get off your couch and move your body. Call your sister and vent. Make that appointment with a therapist. Call your doctor and finally get your blood checked. When you get intentional and tell your brain what you want to think about yourself, it changes your mindset. Your mindset controls the things you see as possible, and thus changes your life. Do the things you know will help you because you have value and are worth asking for help. By thinking about how you think, you’ll change your mindset; you will find that you aren’t actually f*cked and in fact, perhaps with help, you can figure it out.