Self-resourcing helps in times when the world just feels like too much. Maybe we are dealing with rejection, from a lover, or a job we thought we had in the bag. Perhaps the rejection is coming from within. Maybe the demands placed on us by the world (or ourselves) are just too heavy. We might feel an overwhelming sense of grief when dealing with loss, the kind that lays us out on the bathroom floor and tells us we just can’t go on. Or perhaps it’s shame that takes over – the sense of embarrassment and guilt that we’ve hurt someone so badly or made such fools of ourselves that we can’t possibly go into the world again. But we have to. We have to pick ourselves up and keep going. Especially if the flood of emotions hit us in the middle of our workday, making dinner for our kids, or otherwise inappropriate time to have a good cry. How do we push through?
When change occurs, even positive change, we often get swept up in the erratic winds of emotion and forget what solid ground feels like. To get off the floor (or down from the clouds) we can rely on the resources we carry internally, self-resources, and reclaim the power of rational thought. Self-resources are the internal places, people, feelings – the sources of support – that you hold in your imagination to create an internal emotional shift. We’ve all heard of imagining a peaceful place and going there mentally when we need to calm down. But sometimes I just don’t have the capacity to picture that lake house dock at sunset…some situations require different techniques.
Physical.
Movement.
Pay attention to your body. What is it calling you to do? Identify where in your body you need to send some attention. We hold a lot of emotion in our hips. Maybe sit down, stretch, and see what comes up. Your body may need movement. Roll out the yoga mat and just start moving. Turn on some music and dance to lift your spirits and release some tension. Go for a walk or jog (the sunlight will do you wonders). Is your neck tight and stiff? Do some neck rolls. Go into a ragdoll (fold at your hips and let your head hang between your knees). Lower back pain may be related to a traumatic event and digestive issues are often a result of chronic stress.
Stillness and senses.
Sometimes stillness is the answer to what ails us. Self-resourcing isn’t all about doing. Stimulate the senses with a lavender diffusor or calming candle and maybe break out the massager. Drink some water or make a cup of tea. Find a dark, quiet place and lay on your back for 10 minutes. Feeling the support of the earth holding your body helps to ground and center your mind. While you’re laying still, take a deep belly breath in, hold it for a count of 5, and sigh out with some sound. Sighing or humming helps to release tension. Even if you feel silly, the sense of calm you can create with some sound is worth it!
Take time every day to listen to your body. Understanding the origins of pain or discomfort in the physical self helps us know what we need to do to feel better.
Intellectual.
Journaling.
Journaling is a seemingly magical self-resourcing technique to deal with out-of-control thoughts. But what if I don’t know where to start? Sometimes a blank page can incite overwhelm and anxiety, the very feelings we are trying to control. Start by bringing your unconscious thoughts into consciousness. That chatter in the back of your mind? Write it down. The negative track that’s been playing on repeat insisting you’re not good enough? Put it on the paper and then put it away. This technique is more about giving yourself permission to put the thoughts away than about writing them down.
Take this self-resourcing technique a step further and imagine a container. This container is where you will put those unhelpful thoughts aside to keep them for another time. I like to picture an old quilt chest, like my Grammy kept at the foot of her bed. Heavy and wooden, the chest is big enough to hold even the most overwhelming of thoughts. By placing whatever is too much to bear in that chest, I give myself permission to keep going and revisit my emotional overload at a time when I’m better equipped to work through it.
By mindfully compartmentalizing your fearful thoughts, you become free to focus on the present and better prepare for the future.
Learn something.
Stimulate your mind to take it off what’s stressing you out. Start small, maybe memorize a meaningful poem or passage. Check out MasterClass Online Classes or Free online courses you can finish in a day | Coursera. Building your skill set will boost your confidence and better prepare you for that next opportunity. When we’re learning, we don’t have the mental space to think about what’s wrong. Sometimes a reprieve is all we need to put the problem in perspective.
Emotional.
Name it to tame it.
This is one of my go-to self-resourcing techniques. When we’re feeling out of control, we lose our ability to respond. Instead, we react (which can cause more problems than we started with). By naming how we feel, we give the emotion freedom to move through us instead of getting stuck inside, causing potential outbursts and floods of feeling. Naming our emotions does more than give us the language to describe how we’re feeling. Literally, it has a physiological effect on our brain and body! Naming how we feel engages the part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) responsible for higher cognitive functions like reasoning, problem solving, comprehension, creativity, and impulse control. In turn, the part of our brain responsible for fight/flight/freeze (limbic area) is relieved of duty.
Check out this resource for a guided meditation and take a deeper dive into this simple technique. Name It to Tame It: Label Your Emotions to Overcome Negative Thoughts | Mindfulness.com.
Character qualities.
Another self-resourcing technique I find useful in times of emotional distress is imagining the character qualities I need in the moment. Nervous about speaking up in public? Imagine a time you did so with confidence and grace. Go back to that moment and hold yourself in that image. If nothing comes to mind, picture someone else exhibiting the quality you need. I like to picture Michelle Obama or Brené Brown speaking assertively with passion and confidence. Use a TV character or movie star, your mother, friend, or boss, someone if your life that has the qualities you know will help. Then carry that quality with you as you move into the moment with ease.
Self-resourcing emergencies.
We aren’t always in a position to lay on the ground, take a bath, or go for a walk. What can we do in the moment to keep us from losing our shit? To keep going until we have time to ourselves?
Breathwork.
Breathing seems obvious, something we do involuntarily to stay alive. But there is real power in controlling how we breathe, enough to get us through the breaking point. I never imagined myself as someone who says, “slow down and breathe.” In fact, I thought breathwork was some woo woo hippie stuff that couldn’t really be all that effective. I was wrong.
When we’re stressed, we tend to take rapid, shallow breaths. “This type of breathing, called thoracic or chest breathing, causes an upset in the body’s oxygen and carbon dioxide levels, resulting in increased heart rate, dizziness, muscle tension, and other physical sensations,” according to the Clevland Clinic. Essentially, we feel worse when we breath this way.
Diaphragmatic or deep breathing, on the other hand, stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and instantly calms our minds and bodies.
Here are 9 Breathing Exercises to Relieve Anxiety (verywellmind.com) that I have honestly found helpful during moments of stress and emotional overwhelm. To save you from all the trouble of clicking the link, I’ll paste two of my favorites below.
Mindfulness Breathing.
Mindfulness meditation involves focusing on your breathing and bringing your attention to the present without allowing your mind to drift to the past or future. Engaging in mindfulness breathing exercises serves the same purpose, which can help ease your anxiety.
One mindfulness breathing exercise to try involves choosing a calming focus, including a sound (“om”), positive word (“peace”), or phrase (“breathe in calm, breathe out tension”) to repeat silently as you inhale or exhale. Let go and relax. If you notice that your mind has drifted, take a deep breath and gently return your attention to the present.
Belly Breathing.
According to The American Institute of Stress, 20 to 30 minutes of “belly breathing,” also known as abdominal breathing or diaphragmatic breathing, each day can reduce stress and anxiety.3
- Find a comfortable, quiet place to sit or lie down. For example, try sitting in a chair, sitting cross-legged, or lying on your back with a small pillow under your head and another under your knees.
- Place one hand on your upper chest and the other hand on your belly, below the ribcage.
- Allow your belly to relax, without forcing it inward by squeezing or clenching your muscles.
- Breathe in slowly through your nose. The air should move into your nose and downward so that you feel your stomach rise with your other hand and fall inward (toward your spine).
- Exhale slowly through slightly pursed lips. Take note of the hand on your chest, which should remain relatively still.
The takeaway – we have everything we need within.
Self-resourcing is a matter of slowing down to recognize how we can best support ourselves in moments of fear and anxiety. Take time every day to just sit with yourself. Listen to your body and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Be tender with yourself in your recovery journey, have compassion and speak to yourself with kindness. Make use of your boundaries. Don’t take on the struggle of someone else when you feel weak or overwhelmed. You’re worth the work it takes to build a peaceful life and you deserve every instance of joy that you cultivate.
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What can I share with you? Recovery is about more than just staying sober. We have lives to rebuild and goals to achieve. How can I help you learn to reclaim your power and move on with creating a big, beautiful life? Leave me a comment and I’ll be glad to share what I’ve learned on this journey.